Magic Bullet Express — Quiet End For Infomercial Trilogy
We were given the utter joy and complete re-watchability of the original Magic Bullet ad only three short years ago. Just last year the sequel was greeted with open arms, but disappointingly amounted to what most sequels do (a accurate mess, akin to a dirtied Bullet). So is it any wonder how uncannily similar the MB trilogy wind-up resembles a three-part movie's finish? Well, they've managed it here. Only two of the original castmates show up, and though not as wholly shrill as the previous chapter, MBIII just kind of shows up, sputters along for thirty minutes, and quietly fades away.
After the convey debacle that was the portable Magic Bullet to Go set at a woodsy wonderland, the production has moved back to the safe confines of the MB kitchen set. Those ol' reliables --- the Mickster, and MILF-a-rific Mimi --- are at the countertop, on top of which sits a slightly modified Bullet variant. "We're here!" is cackled from around the corner, as we sit up in anticipation of our Bullet favorites entering the set. Alas, these are new faces, and some rather unpleasant ones at that.
An unidentified woman enters through a doorway with two kids, and on the other side of the kitchen a couple is strolling in, hand-in-hand. A true ticket of writer's desperation is not one, but two(!) curmudgeonly acerbic old ladies with an axe to grind. The first of these two to chime in is The Snooty Bitch, who grumbles that M&M "haven't even started cooking yet". The eldest of the pair then castigatingly growls in perfect geezer grumble: "You invite us over for a nice family meal...and there's no food in sight!!! They probably just got out of bed!" Woah, someone grind up a nice Cymbalta smoothie for ol' Gran.
Now the bed comment may be an inside joke referring to the much hypothesized private life of Mick and Mimi and their Bullet Buddies from MB1. The inclusion of children in this venture and none of their old friends in attendance may show they've deserted their outmoded lifestyle for one of prayer and six-second smoothies. The most glaring absence you'll need to take a moment and prepare yourself for. The party animal, the Bullet Badboy, the bulky chasers delight, Berman, is not prove. Ok, objective calm down Bullet Groupies! We're peaceful given a Berman clone as compensation, a Urge Limbaugh bombast-a-like, perfectly bald and burly.
Alright now, the new Bullet. It basically resembles a top-loading Cuisinart, spitting out ground up food particles such as toppings on a pizza pan full of nacho chips. The first goofy plight to stand out is the fact that the plate or pan you're using has to be spun in circles so that the Bullet's stationary dispensing portal can cover all necessary items. Someone quipped online: "Forget the attachments, does it come with a second person to turn the plates? " Unless it's on a rotating board, you'll be constantly trying to grip your plate's edges for spinning.
Upon plopping the nachos in the oven, M&M begin to whip up a homemade pizza. I don't know about yourself, but the sight of minced tomatoes splattering and drizzling down the sides of the Bullet portal like blood dripping down the walls of a Nosferatu film, kind of turns me off. Mick demonstrates dexterous spinning ability in trying to keep up with mozza cheese and pepperoni that are just being launched out of this thing. Launched so hard that the contraption begins vibrating and quivering like Schwarzeneggar's face in Total Recall. They neglect to tell us about an obvious adjustment feature; though the cheese is shredded perfectly, the pepperoni shoots out nicely sliced, instead of ground into fine peppy shreds.
Following Berman's unofficial brother swiping the pan full of nachos just laid out for everyone, the naysaying begins. Disputing its look as a food processor and ability to design eight minute meals, M&M's group are in need of more convincing. A minute of the old Bullet gluttony magic resurfaces, as even though we already have nachos and a fresh pizza, let's whip up a quick meatloaf. You thought the goopy tomatoes were nasty, how 'bout watching raw turkey breast slabs being chopped to smithereenies.
Things simmer down to a yawn with potatoes au gratin and mixed veggies, Mick and Mimi seemingly reduced to "family foods" type stiffs. The whole charm of the original Bullet ad being yummy junk food delights "in less time than it takes to toast the bread!" Every Bullet 'mercial must include a show-stopper, this one's being a King's Ransoms worth superbowl of salad. They even get the new Spacious Guy, called Ralph (Ralphie May reference? ) to get off his diabetic-ridden keister to help out.
Later, there's a decent looking cheesecake, and the MB standby of smoothie-like beverages, but it just doesn't have that same razzle-dazzle of the early days. When you're dealing with larger quantities, it takes longer for prep and cook and the fun of a quickie snack is sorely missed. Aunt Martha's implausible change of heart (after a couple bites!), the bearded guy's constant sh*t-eating-grin, and Ralph's disingenuous crack of "Why didn't you tell me eating healthy could taste so good?!", are all neccessary demerits here.
As the final seconds wind down, you do get that melancholy twinge of finality to something (MB1) that brought you so many smiles. It remains to be seen if there might be a Magic Bullet tetralogy in our futures, but for now, for closure, view at your own risk and glean what you can.
I'm gonna go mix a frozen, virgin, strawberry margarita out of depression.
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Filed under Infomercial Production Company by on Jan 23rd, 2012. 
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